Accountability and Maturity in Coaching Clients
What is accountability and maturity, and why they matter when choosing clients as a coach.
A coach is not in a client’s life to do the work for them. (A contractor might be). Often, a coach does not even tell a client what to do. (A consultant might, though).
A coach is someone who sees the client for who they are—presently—and for who they are designed to be in fullness.
A coach understands that empowering a client to become who they are designed to be is more helpful and more valuable to the client than enabling them to continue to do and be things they were never meant to do or be.
Yes, the client will benefit from assistance in accomplishing various, necessary tasks in their life, home, or business (like hiring a new accountant who understands tax law and estate planning better than their current one).
But fixing accounting troubles is not the role of the coach. Not even fixing a client’s attitude about money and stewardship.
It is the coaches job to help the client contact the truth about their attitude about money and stewardship so that client can take ownership of the choices and judgments they’ve made within themselves about money and stewardship—and as a result: make new choices.
The degree to which a client prefers the utility of “blame” in their life rather than seeking out what they themselves are truly accountable for is the limit to which the the coaching will be transformational. The deeper the self-accountability, the deeper the transformation.
That limit can shift over time as “blame” is shed, but the coach can not make the client be accountable. The coach can only themselves be accountable, and help the client see where they have not yet been. The muscle of taking-account remains the client’s to engage.
Now, this must be said:
Accountability must be tempered with the acknowledgment of real evil and real injustice.
There really is real evil that really happens and really is accomplished against people. It may certainly be true for the client that “so-and-so person did this evil thing to me,” and that fact needs to be wholly and completely acknowledged, not minimized.
But the conversation can not simply stall there if there is to be transformation and healing and growth. The client must take ownership and accountability for their responses to the facts of injustice, with Christ as the standard:
“For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully. For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: “who committed no sin, nor was deceit found in His mouth”; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness—by whose stripes you were healed.” (1 Peter 2:19-24)
This is maturity — conducting oneself according to the way the Maker of all things conducts Himself.
And in order to conduct oneself according to the way of the Maker of all things, one must have an understanding of Him and how He has created things to function so that we do not perish for a lack of knowledge or understanding:
“till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ” (Ephesians 4:13-15)
“My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge...” (Hosea 4:6)
In coaching, a client’s maturity impacts how quickly the actual work of transformation begins within the coaching relationship. Where there is a lack of maturity, there first must be teaching and training before transformational engagement can begin.
A three-year-old requires years of instruction, teaching, and training before he is trusted with a simple kitchen knife. The required understanding is not merely “how to hold a knife” or “how to sharpen one” but a comprehensive understanding of spacial awareness, relational dynamics, physical coordination, emotional intelligence and temperance, and more.
That’s not a problem. That’s just how it is: a kid needs to be instructed and any good father is going to ensure his son or daughter is instructed and taught and trained for what’s needed.
Once all the training is present, then can the specifics about “how to hold a knife” and “how to sharpen one” begin to be introduced. And only then can the actual engagement of the knife take place.
“For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept, Line upon line, line upon line, Here a little, there a little.” (Isaiah 28:10)
When that same father interacts with another father, a knife simply exchanges hands and dinner gets made for the cookout. The training already took place. The maturity was already present.
To the degree that maturity is not yet present in a client is the degree to which the coach must choose to either facilitate such maturity through teaching themselves (and so the client ends up paying more for instruction rather than transformation), or, to wait until a future season when the client has matured elsewhere and has become ripe for the work of transformation.
Now, coming back: accountability is a tool by which the reality of a heart is discovered.
If a client says their motivation for receiving coaching is “XYZ outcome,” but then consistently makes choices which misalign with that particular motivation or outcome... well, that reveals something.
Part of what it reveals is that either the client wasn’t fully aware or fully honest with themselves about their actual goal (and through coaching, they end up discovering the real goal).
Or, there is something deeper preventing the client from the fullness of their desired outcome.
These blocks are not always merely psychological, but spiritual. And by “spiritual” I do not mean merely “demonic” opposition or an invisible unknowable reality, but as “an engagement with the good and righteous cosmic Principles of Justice that are righteously rewarding your disagreement with them.”
What does that mean?
Let’s say a client’s goal or desired outcome with coaching is to steward their business well.
They discover it would be helpful to hire a tax and asset protection lawyer so that their labors become more difficult to steal, kill, or destroy. They find one such lawyer and try to set up a meeting, but for some reason, all of the times end up getting rescheduled at the last minute. Not only that, but suddenly the client finds out that their business partner has been stealing from them for the last five years, their late parents’ estate has all kinds of legal issues they now have to sort through, and for some reason, the client finds themselves drawn to spend more time at the local bar (even though they have never had a tendency towards alcohol in their life).
All of these things could become reasons as to why they “can’t steward your business well”:
They didn’t choose for their meetings to get rescheduled;
They didn’t choose for their business partner to steal from;
They didn’t choose for their parents to make poor estate planning decisions;
They didn’t choose for a sudden craving for alcohol.
The client didn’t choose for these things to steal their time, kill their joy, and destroy their life’s savings as they deal with them.
These things are “just happening to them” and “woe is me for not being able to accomplish the goal of stewarding my business well. Womp womp womp — guess I gotta try harder, better, faster, STRONGER, DAFT PUNK, let’s GOOOOOOOO...!”
Well, the client could try harder.
But ask your fingers how they feel trying to escape a Chinese finger trap by pulling harder, better, faster, stronger.
What the client (in this example) overlooked is the judgment they made in their own heart about their father who also desired to steward his business well:
He always kept his word (even at the expense of being there for the client as a child when they wanted him to be);
He chose to turn down good paying jobs because he wouldn’t lie or cheat or be dishonest;
He believed paperwork was evil; and
He drank more than he should’ve because he didn’t know how else to deal with his problems (and the client swore they’d never be like him).
What this client has here is an ungodly vow made in response to a man they have bitterly judged, whom the Creator of Reality says they are to honor and respect so that it “may go well with you in the land” (Deuteronomy 5:16).
Even though his beliefs may have been legitimately faulty and his habits legitimately destructive, the client’s bitter judgement of their father dishonored him and disrespected him, along with dishonoring and disrespecting the One who gave the client the instruction to “honor your father.”
And God’s true verdict (which is in Christ) of the client’s father is:
“...blameless, spotless, and above reproach in His sight” (Colossians 1:22).
Not because the father was sinless, but because Christ died for his sins — just as He has died for the client’s.
With this bitter judgement and ungodly vow, the client stands in disagreement with the Principles of God while continually referencing a person (their father) whom is not God and whom they are actively resisting becoming like.
That’s already a losing game because, according to scripture, you can not avoid becoming like what you behold, and by continually referencing what they don’t want to become, they are continually beholding that which they refuse to be like.
Additionally, the client’s disagreement with God’s Principles will not make the structure of Reality disappear. The disagreement will only ensure the Principles work against the client, rather than for them. Justice is always served, as it is written:
“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap” (Galatians 6:7).
The client sowed bitter judgement, and a harvest of bitter judgment is owed to them:
“Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.” —Luke 6:37-38
In order to “measure back to” the client their bitter judgements and ungodly vows (which must be paid), the universe is under cosmic command according to the Law of Sowing and Reaping and the Law of Honoring Father and Mother to bring the client that which they have sown — and, with increase:
”For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind” (Hosea 8:7)
Because the client dishonored their father, the Laws work to ensure “it will [not] go well with [the client] in the [realm in which you’ve dishonored your father].” That “land”, in this case, is the realm of stewarding a business well - the very thing the client is trying to accomplish.
In the client’s father’s pursuit of the goal of stewarding a business well in this example, he:
Always kept his word, but the client judged him for it, so now all they encounter as they seek to steward their business well is meetings that get rescheduled at the last minute.
Chose to turn down good paying jobs because he wouldn’t lie or cheat or be dishonest, but the client judged him for it, so now they have a business partner who lied, cheated, and has been dishonest;
Believed paperwork was evil, but the client judged him for it, so now you they a mountain of his paperwork to sort through;
Drank more than he should’ve because he didn’t know how else to deal with his problems (and the client swore they’d never be like him), but because that vow was made based on a judgement, the client is doomed to become exactly like the father was, even though the client never struggled with alcohol in their life.
That is the kind of accountability I’m talking about—accountability of your own decisions made in your own heart that disagree with the decisions the Almighty has made in His heart about the right way for you to relate with Him, with your parents, and with the Creation you are a part of.
There is hope, and the the solution is simple:
Repentance.
Ask Christ to forgive, and to reap—on the cross—the harvest of judgment rightfully owed to you for your bitter root judgments. Ask if He would instead give you His harvest which is rightfully owed to Him—one of total blessing.
Accountability and maturity go hand in hand—in life and in coaching.
Next week, I’ll write to you about why coaching is ‘so expensive.’ Be sure you’re subscribed to receive it.
Until then, you can:
→ Apply for 1:1 Foundations Coaching — Let’s find out what is foundational for you to be present in your body, home, and business. When you honor and obey the intended structural dynamics between you, your wife, family, business, and beyond, you are able to be present in your life, to care for that which is yours to steward, and you will find yourself experientially supported in spirit, soul, body. This offering is for men only and is a three-month commitment. Details here.
→ Get the replay of my most recent event — “Business: In Season with God” was an event designed to help you walk in step with the God of Eternity through the life-cycles and seasons of your business and clients. You always be fruitful—even when it is dry and barren. Regardless of industry, you will get clarity of your current season in business and how to rightly relate with it, understanding of the five seasons of relationship and how to steward them well, key indicators to discern ripeness in leads & client relationships, and more. Details here.